I'm disturbed

[paulbaxter]

I learned on Thanksgiving day that a couple of months ago the pastor of a church which I attended for about a dozen years was arrested for groping a guy in a Walmart bathroom.

In trying to look for any additional details today online, I ran into people commenting on the story, spouting standard issue anti-religious sentiment, etc. Nothing I shouldn't expect.

Just wanted to get this off my chest a little bit. This was a man I knew pretty well and had spent a LOT of time with. I'd been in many meetings with him, of course heard many sermons. He loved my children and vice versa. I'd been to his house many times. I knew his wife and his daughters. Aside from the stupid bs that goes with leading any sort of organization like people arguing about what sort of carpet to install, I never once heard anyone say a negative word about him or accuse him of anything. Personally I had zero suspicion of anything like this sort of thing. I even once travelled with him to a weekend conference and shared a hotel room with him. I've always spoken of him as one of the kindest people I've ever known.

He's currently 67, and I'm sure was getting very close to retirement. My mind simply can't comprehend this, other than the fact that I think we all have aspects of our sexuality that we probably never mention out loud.

[GreenGoo]

I'm sorry dude. Having someone in a position of respect and authority undermine that is crushing, no matter the nature of the relationship.

I just wanted to say that I sympathize and understand what a betrayal it must feel like, or at least shock.

Sorry again.

[Daehawk]

That seems strange that a 67 year old elderly man suddenly gropes a grown man in a public restroom. Are they sure this really happened or is it some guy just saying that he did it and accusing the pastor for some reason?

[Smoove_B]

That seems strange that a 67 year old elderly man suddenly gropes a grown man in a public restroom.

Probably more accurate to say this is the first time he was caught groping someone.

While I haven't experienced that exact scenario with someone I know, I have experienced something similar where someone I knew, respected professionally and unofficially considered a mentor did something unforgivable and it not only affected me personally but completely changed how I viewed him (and still do). I'll never get over it (it's been over 20 years at this point), so to the degree that I can sympathize I do.

There's really not much you can say or do other than to recognize they weren't the person you thought they were.

[Dramatist]

That’s rough to go through. I empathize with you.


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[Jaymann]

That is unfortunate. Hopefully he can get the help he needs.

[Blackhawk]

I'll probably get yelled at, but wait until the courts chime in before completely writing him off. It's likely that he's guilty (so take appropriate precautions), but it's at least possible that it was a lie, or even a misunderstanding being blown out of proportion by the other party. It's happened before.

[Holman]

One thing to consider is that 67 isn't too early for some form of early dementia to affect a man's behavior.

I fully understand the sense of betrayal, though. It's entirely possible that he had a secret life all along, but it's also possible that he wrestled with intrusive thoughts and only this time gave in to them.

And of course the crime here is one of consent, not of sexuality. If you're still in touch (and if his lawyers advise it), I wonder if it's possible to talk with him about it.

[Kraken]

67 isn't "elderly" (says the 67-year-old man).

[paulbaxter]

That seems strange that a 67 year old elderly man suddenly gropes a grown man in a public restroom. Are they sure this really happened or is it some guy just saying that he did it and accusing the pastor for some reason?

Related to that, all I know is that he fled across a busy road and got arrested shortly after. I'm not in super close contact with the leadership of the church these days, although my youngest son still attends there. The church, of course, immediately fired him. All of that, at least in my mind, seems to indicate it wasn't just some sort of misunderstanding.

[paulbaxter]

One thing to consider is that 67 isn't too early for some form of early dementia to affect a man's behavior.

I fully understand the sense of betrayal, though. It's entirely possible that he had a secret life all along, but it's also possible that he wrestled with intrusive thoughts and only this time gave in to them.

That's certainly a thought that's occurred to me, and the only thing that makes even the least bit of sense.