Octopus Overlords

Inside the hatch, you find darkness. Its thick darkness. You can't see anything in this hole, but you assume that its a hole that is very deep. There is no ladder, so you're not able to climb down.
After a few moments of looking into the thick dark, you hear something slowly rising from the depths, and it seems to be scraping the sides of the hole as you hear rocks being struck. The nose is getting closer.

Command?

>Close the hatch and move the table over it!

Blow the nose.

You blow your nose to find specs of blood and ash mixed with snot. As you wipe this mess on your grubby trousers, the hatch shakes violently, then the table is thrown aside. A brawny creature emerges from the hole, and as it turns towards you, you are astonished to realize it is Arnold Schwarzenegger!

Command?

>Show the Arnold Schwarzenegger my Purple People Eater

Item not in inventory
Command?

>Tell the Arnold Schwarzenegger, "Loved you in Jingle All the Way!"

Arnold grunts appreciatively, hands you a syringe full of steroids, and crawls back in his hole.

You gain 2 experience points.

Command?

See you at the party, Arnold!

>Look through narrow window-slit.

You look through the narrow window-slit and can see paradise, but cannot fit through the narrow window-slit.

Command?

>mainline a shot of steroids.

You inject the shot of steroids into your arm. You feel nothing at first, but after a minute your body starts shaking, a slight shudder at first but increases in ferocity until all you can see is one giant blur as your entire body vibrates with incredible intensity. Suddenly you stop shaking. As you regain your senses you realise your body has transformed - you've grown muscles the size of coconuts all over your body and your skin is harder than stone!

>Wake up the dragon and try to kick the dragon's ass.

The portal that had brought you to this room was one-way only, but because the steroids also increased the size of your brain, you somehow think your way back to the dragon's lair. The dragon is there, awake and giving you a dirty look. Wasting no time, you use your super-strength to do one of those flying uppercut moves from Street Fighter II. The dragon is stunned and spitting out teeth. It's on! After 12 rounds of punches, combos and kicks, you finally catch the dragon in a full nelson. He struggles to his last, fiery breath, managing only to singe your eyebrows. He finally taps a wing and you let go.

You now have a pet dragon.

There is a large chest of treasure here.

>Ride the pet dragon, call dragon Sally. Say, "come on Sally!"

Funny thing about the ancient dragon language: "Come on, Sally," happens to mean "I release you from your bonds and submit to your mercy." Now if you'd said "Come on, Douglas," the dragon would have interpreted that as "Be my winged avenger and we shall rule a charred world together." Guess you'll be more careful when you name your pet next time!

Fortunately, the newly freed dragon is too tired from the fight to do anything but go back to sleep.

There is a large chest of treasure here.

> Grope the Treasure Chest

You do so. You are a changed man. That you can express such compassion and sensitivty, even for inanimate objects, shows how gentle and special you are. Now that you've seen the error in brute force, your steroid-poisoned muscles shrink to their original, vulnerable size.

You gain one experience flower, which you may put in your hair.

A quiet, alcohol-soaked door leads north. The door to the portal room is south. There is a window looking out on the moat.

>i

For some strange reason your inventory has changed.
You check your pockets and find:

- An Orge Slaying Knife (+9 Against Orges!)
- A 12oz Can of Mountain Dew
- A roll of Ducktape
- Lighter
- Golfball
- An IBM PS/2 Mouse
- A Swiss Army Knife
- 20lb bag of Lead Shot
- Crumpled up piece of paper

>Take a good hard look out the window at the moat.

The moat teems with bloodthirsty yellow ducklings. An orge, which looks nothing like an ogre but is exactly as hideous, patrols the castle grounds. He throws the occasional morsel of food to the ducks.

Command>

>Use the ducktape on the ducks.

You fling the roll of ducktape out the window. It sails through the air, tumbles along the ground, and rolls right into the moat. As we all know, ducks love ducktape, so they converge upon it, quacking like mad and and getting stuck. In no time, you've got a big pile of stuck ducks. The surprised and angry orge spots you and uses the stuck ducks as a bridge to cross the moat. He's got a curved sword and is headed your way!

>Well, luckily, that curved sword is for slashing, so he couldn't hit me through the little window anyways because that would be thrusting.
Taunt the ogre.

You call the orge an ogre. This is about the worst insult you can ever make. He was only going to write you a demerit, but you had to mouth off! You laugh at his curved sword, making some academic point about slashing and thrusting. He holds the sword up, and a straight blade emerges from the other end of the hilt! "F'oh!" you cry. Will you (F)ight or (R)un?

>f

You feint! HIT!
He parries! MISS!
You roll a 20-sided die! HIT!
He looks up a rule book! MISS!
You extol the virtues of antidisestablishmentarianism! MISS!
He counters with an observation of European neo-socialist dynamics! CRITICAL HIT!

You lie in the fetal position, clutching your wounded belly and eyeing the Orge Slaying Knife that was knocked out of your hand. It is beyond your reach. The orge crawls in through the window. You did a number on him, but he's still strong enough to fight. He laughs at your predicament and prepares to lop off your head with a golf swing coup de grâce.

Command>

>drink Mountain Dew and have at the ogre in an extreme fashion. Use the 20 lb. bag of lead shot as a David vs. Goliath type larriat.

The orge's weapon begins its downward slash as you shake the can of Mountain Dew and open it under your nose. Time seems to stop as citrus flavors fill your every sense. Your body rises off the floor, energized by the souls of a thousand caffeine demons. The orge's face contorts with fear, and out of his mouth comes a low-pitched "NOOOOOOO!"

You speak with the carbonated voice of vengeance: "NOW YOU'LL KNOW THE POWER OF THAT GOOD OLD MOUNTAIN DEW!" You draw back your fist to give the orge a fatal punch to the heart, when he suddenly disappears! Faster than your eyes can follow, a flick of the dragon's tail scoops him up and drops him into the dragon's mouth.

Crunch, crunch, crunch go the dragon's masticating jaws. "Orgey porgy, pudding and pie," he says as his forked tongue licks his lips (do dragons have lips?), "I don't eat many, now I know why." He looks at you. "I must eat something else with haste to get rid of the aftertaste. Drinker of Dew, you will do!"

As the great beast prepares to broil you in fire-breath, you whip the bag of lead in a circle and let a shot fly. The bullet hits the dragon right in the forehead! He writhes and bellows in pain, his fire-breath going all over the place but not hitting you. He collapses with a thud that shakes the entire castle, and lies dead.

YOU HAVE WON THE GAME!

Or have you?

There is a large chest of treasure here.

>molest the treasure chest.

As you have wisely deduced, the treasure chest is no chest at all, but a mimic. It turns into the most beautiful...man? Woman? This is one of those "Pat" kind of situations. It doesn't matter, though, as you are in love.

"Thank you for slaying the dragon," he or she says. "The spell on me is now broken, and I am free to be who I am again."

The two of you get married, have children, and live upstairs from a taco hut. Your grandchildren become famous adventurers of sewers, castles, and dungeons. You attain self-actualization, a state of being few people ever achieve. Then you die.

C:/>

Best game ever.