I actually don't worry about COVID-19 either, not like before being vaccinated - at least as far as death is concerned. Instead I feel a larger sense of dread. Like whatever I imagine characters in a Call of Cthulhu roleplaying game feel when they're coming to terms with whatever eldritch horror they're trying to stop.
I'm quite grateful for people in the field (and adjacent) that have been putting words to what I'm experiencing. This piece that was published this moring from Gregg Gonsalves is a
perfect example:
Many of those commentators, political figures, even public health experts, who have succeeded in the push for the urgency of their own normal, haven’t been satisfied with their policy victories on the backs of others. No, they are desperate to position themselves as champions for equity, to shut down any notion that, well, they are simply champions for their own class, their own race. They want to declare victory on behalf of those they left behind. The lovefest between White House Chief of Staff Ron Klain, Covid czar Ashish Jha, and The New York Times’ David Leonhardt is a case in point.
And as he quotes from Ed Yong:
There was a time, at the start of the 20th century, when the field of public health was stronger and more ambitious. A mixed group of physicians, scientists, industrialists, and social activists all saw themselves “as part of this giant social-reform effort that was going to transform the health of the nation,” David Rosner, a public-health historian at Columbia University, told me. They were united by a simple yet radical notion: that some people were more susceptible to disease because of social problems. And they worked to address those foundational ills—dilapidated neighborhoods, crowded housing, unsafe working conditions, poor sanitation—with a “moral certainty regarding the need to act.”
I never really thought my chosen profession was my identity, but it's pretty clear now (to me) that they're inseparable. It feels like the older I get and longer I'm involved (albeit to a different degree than I was 20 years ago), the more important it is for me to be proactive and vocal. And yet, that's seemingly the least helpful thing in this current weird moment. Maybe that's the true source of my angst, currently. I don't know. More coffee.